ECEC / Relationships First

Settling and separation, handled without deception

Sneaking out works once, and then costs you everything it bought.

The temptation is understandable. The goodbye is painful for everybody, the adult at the door is distressed, and if the child can be distracted for the thirty seconds it takes for a quiet exit then the crying stops sooner. It does stop sooner, that day. What is purchased with it is a child who from then on cannot let the familiar adult out of sight, because the evidence now says that people vanish without warning. The distress is not removed, it is redistributed across the whole day and the following weeks, and it lands on the educator rather than on the doorway.

The honest version is harder in the moment and cheaper over time. The child is told what is happening and that it is happening now. The goodbye is short, definite and not repeated. The child is held or accompanied through the protest rather than jollied out of it, because the protest is appropriate and does not need to be cured. And the return is described in terms the child can actually use: after we have eaten, after the sleep. Predictability is what does the work here, not comfort. A child who can forecast the shape of the day has far less to be vigilant about.

Educators can also do a great deal to shape the doorway itself. Same educator receiving where possible. A physical routine that belongs to that child and is the same every time. A clear moment of handover rather than a slow dissolve. And an honest conversation with the family beforehand about why the quick exit is not going to be used, so that nobody improvises under pressure. Settling is a designed process, not a natural event we wait out.